Biracial Parenting: Helping My Daughter Find Her Identity

Those of you that think kids don’t see color, think again! At three-years-old, Princess started talking about it– differentiating between white and brown grandma. I knew then that there would be plenty of conversations about race, so it was no surprise when she asked about her own skin color. I knew that helping my daughter find her identity is something I needed to do.

“Mommy, is my skin blond?” she asked.
The question caught me completely off guard.
“Do you think your skin is blond?” I asked.
“Yes,” she responded.
“If you’re skin is blond, then what’s my skin color?” I asked.
“You’re dark brown,” she answered.

She then proceeded to say that her Dad is blond and so is her little brother.

I thought that would be the end of our chat. But, she’s also brought up the topic several times since then, leading me to believe that there’s something more to this subject.

She didn’t appear sad or upset. I could tell she was curious and wanted to know why she looks different from everyone else. My hubby and I decided to sit her down to speak with her about it.

Princess’s school is predominately white, and she’s the only biracial child in her class. So, it doesn’t surprise me that she’s already noticing differences among her peers as well as her little brother – who has a lighter complexion.

I asked her if anyone said anything about the color of her skin and she said no, which could only mean one thing – she’s trying to find her identity.

Choosing our words carefully, my hubby and I approached the topic.

“Mommy is black and Daddy is white. That makes you a mix of Mommy and Daddy,” I explained.

We always tell her how beautiful she is everyday. If she ever wants to talk about anything, Princess know that she can come to us no matter what.

Despite the assurance, the reality is that there’s no guarantee that what we say will satisfy her curiosity. I remember being a little girl seeing mostly white women on the cover of magazines and on TV. I wondered why there weren’t girls like me in ads or in prominent TV roles. Seeing someone that resembled me like Rudy Huxtable was a breath of fresh air.

I experienced the same feeling upon entering the field of broadcast journalism. Dark skinned black women were far and few in between. I can totally understand how my daughter feels. Whenever she sees someone with similar features, she gets excited.

“Mommy, look! She has curly hair like me,” she’d point out.

Seeing the response makes me realize the importance of helping my daughter find her biracial identity and teach her important lessons along the way.

Here’s how:

1. Keep an open dialogue. Encouraging questions and having discussions about race satisfies a child’s curiosity. Ignoring the elephant in the room can do more damage than good.
2. Positive reinforcements. I tell Princess she’s smart, beautiful, and talented everyday. Most importantly, I tell her why. Giving positive reinforcements builds self-esteem.
3. Seek out multicultural schools and communities. This has been a challenge for the past few years. It’s difficult to find a great school district in a mixed neighborhood. But, I’ve recently found a school that has a great program and is diverse.
4. Educate. There are some things kids don’t learn in school. It’s up to us as parents to educate our children about their identity.
5. Pray. They say that through prayer anything is possible. We can only do our best, and let God handle the rest. If you’re looking for prayer guidance, check out lapidomedia.com.

How do you help your children find their identity?